I am not Super Mom

I honestly think I kind of suck at being a Mom. 

I love my baby more than anything in the world and I think I do an ok job of taking care of her. She's growing and thriving and happy. But I feel like I can't get anything else done except taking care of her. 

I don't know how the rest of the world is doing it. We don't take walks very often because she usually ends up crying. I think I have one of the only babies in the world that doesn't like walks or rides in the car. I don't really get out of the house very often unless DH is with me to help. DD only goes 3 hours between feedings and I'm not comfortable NIP yet - not like there are many convenient places to NIP! Like I just sit down in the middle of the grocery store and nurse her. And I am NOT going to nurse her in the bathroom stall. I'm so nervous about her crying when we're out because she gets SO worked up and cries really hard. And people just give me dirty looks like I'm making her cry or something. It makes me SO uncomfortable. I also have a really hard time giving her a bottle - its like she knows that she gets the boob from me and bottle from Dad. 

She's a relatively happy baby despite her reflux issues - just not when we have to run some errands or do stuff! It makes me so sad because I have such a hard time getting out and about with her. I feel like a failure - and how the heck am I going to manage if I have more children? She almost always wants interaction or to be held when she's awake so I only get to do things when she's napping. 

So, then there's the house. My house is a disaster area. I have clothes all over that need to be put away, 2 bathrooms that need cleaning, sheets that need changing, carpets to be vaccumed, kitchen floor to be mopped, flower beds in desperate (and I mean desperate) need of being weeded and cut down, lawn to be mowed, among a million and ten other things. And I just never have the extra time or energy. DH does help out quite a bit, so I can't complain about that. He works full time though and coaches swimming (which has just started), and has a side business of doing work on computers so he is incredibly busy. I'm scared about how I'm going to be able to do anything at all when I go back to work. It will be nice to have adult interaction and do other things besides take care of DD...but I'm going to miss her so much and I'll have even LESS time to get anything else in my personal life accomplished. 

I just wish so badly that I was better at this. It doesn't help that we live in a rural area (that we love) so its normally a PITA to run the simplest errand. The stores we have within a 15 minute radius are a drug store, the grocery store, some fast food/pizza/coffee places, the bank, and a bunch of stores we don't ever need to go to. The closest mall/department/big box stores are a minimum of 20-25 minutes away. There is a Walmart in the works...but its going to be at least a year if we're lucky. 

Why can't I do this better? I see so many women who do it ALL. And seem to do it well. They look great, the house is always clean, dinner made, they're running her and there. My girlfriend down the street is AMAZING. She has 4 children - 7, 4, 2, and 9 months AND her husband is a corrections officer who works 8 hours away, so the VAST majority of the time, she's by herself! Yet, she has it together pretty well. Her house is clean, she goes all over, they even have 2 dogs and 2 cats!! 

I know I can't compare myself to others, but I just can't seem to get it together. I feel stupid.

Time flies...

Haven't really written in a bit. Life has been crazy. As always. Finding less and less time to get things done!

We went to Syracuse for the weekend and then I've been sick the past couple days. Or allergies.

Not sure how Natalie is doing with the reflux. She seems to be spitting up more. Sometimes fussing when she spits up, sometimes not. We go to the pedi tomorrow evening and I'll talk to him then. We might just go and have the upper GI done. I don't want to at all...but I guess its better to know that we're definitely dealing with reflux. Also she still has thrush, so we need to talk about that too.

Guess where we found Natalie this morning in her crib? ON HER TUMMY! The little wiggle worm somehow managed to flip herself on her tummy, while swaddled! AHHHH. I don't know why she won't do it while she's awake!

Swimming started for Jeff. Its going to be a very hectic season. It completely sucks. I mean, the money is decent. But the fact that he's going to be sooooo busy and I'm going to be the one taking care of Natalie all the time just stinks. She's going to miss her Daddy, I'm sure. I know I will.

I have to go back to the job that I hate in a month...whaaaaaaaaa!!!

Gus

Gus is my third - yes I said third- kitty cat.  And I think he's actually a dog trapped in a cats body.  He's a petite orange tabby with a leaky eye, a lot of spunk, and a red sock.  

That's how I got reeled in to adopt him.  They said I had to adopt the sock too.  Huh?  Yup, he came with a fuzzy, red, sock.  When kittens are separated from their moms too soon, they tend to suckle - on sweaters, blankets, etc.  Well, Gus's foster family didn't want him to suckle on clothes or anything else, so they bought him this red sock to suck instead.  And suck he did!  He's like a little kid with his stuffed animal.  It sits on the end of our bed and when we go to sleep at night, he follows us upstairs, sucks on his sock, and falls asleep.  No joke.  3 years later, he's still got the sock.  And if it isn't at the end of the bed, he cries and paces.  

He comes when you call him.  What cat does that?  He picks fights with the other 2...and always gets his butt kicked.  He's pretty scrappy.  He's scared to death of Natalie, but I think that's mostly because the other 2 don't like her.  He has figured out how to open the screen door and has lead some escapes recently.  Oh and he was also out galavanting on the roof one day!  Don't ask.  

He loves to play.  And he likes to talk -he's very loud.  And I'm so lucky he lives with me.

Poop happens...

I never thought my life would revolve around poop the way it does now.  

Before Natalie, I couldn't stand conversations about anyone's poop, including my own.  

Now, its all I think about!  And I am so happy when I see that Natalie has a poopy diaper.  What a difference a few months makes.  And not only am I happy when she poops, but I check out every one to see how its different from the last.  What is WRONG with me?  I'm sure the fact that she finds it absolutely hysterical every time she has a BM has something to do with it.  

You don't see too many full body smiles over something like that.  

On to other topics...

I need to figure out a better way to de-stress.  I am so tense and have had headaches almost every day the past week.  The chiropractor wants to see me every 2 weeks now...and my TNJ is back.  *sigh*  Hopefully the crap with Jeff's parents will settle down someday soon and we can get our happy, stress free life back.